Marriage

The work never stops

We’ve all heard the tired clichés about how love can fade, and people grow apart—or how men are from Mars and women are from Venus. Here’s the thing. Marriage requires work. It requires constantly rediscovering what makes you love each other. It requires you to breathe deeply when he’s clipping his toenails at the kitchen table. Above all, it requires that you recognize when it’s starting to slip away.

Statistically, half of all divorces occur within the first seven years of marriage. And we’re not going to start with the good news first, in case you were wondering. Our program is all about tough love and honesty and we aim to start the same way we’ll finish. So, if you just sat back and breathed in deeply, thinking you’re past that seven-year hurdle, you should probably know that within a 40-year span, an estimated 67% of first marriages end in divorce.

We’re not going to tell you that marriages are perfect. They fluctuate over time, there’s give and there’s take, but it’s important to always continue to look for areas to improve. Because things can always get better, even when they seem like they’re at their best. Marriages on the opposite end of that spectrum—the ones that feel like they are already circling the drain—can lead to significant physiological and psychological stress on both partners, which have direct negative consequences: High blood pressure, heart disease, anxiety, depression, suicide or suicide ideation, psychosis, substance abuse, homicide… the list is extensive. And no, all those things may not happen to you. But think back for a minute on what might have changed when things started to go sour. Have you been daydreaming about what you’ll do when your spouse is finally dead in 20 years? Do you think about moving away to a tropical island? What about packing all your things in the middle of the night and moving home because it’s just too much effort to try and communicate honestly about what’s bothering you?

We’ve all been there, though we might not admit it. And that “communication” that therapists are always on about—using “I” statements, practicing active listening, validating your partner and empathizing with your partner. That’s all well and fine while sitting on a plush couch while someone corrects each misstep in conversation. But what we learn in therapy doesn’t always translate well once we get home. And conflict resolution doesn’t always end in a happily married couple, this just allows positive sentiments to mask the negative ones until they rise to the surface again.

The Good News

Once you make the decision to change, your partner will immediately notice the positive energy you’ve begun to introduce back into your relationship, which makes them more receptive to improvements in their own mindset and behaviours contributing to the strain on your relationship.

Saving your relationship isn’t about dragging your partner to couple’s counselling and having them be as invested in the process of righting your relationship. Often times, this can lead to divorce even faster, as resentment builds within the partnership. The Naked Marriage Spark Marriage Programme is about the individual in the relationship—you—who wants to put in the groundwork to move your relationship back on track.

And don’t worry—you won’t be doing the work alone forever. It’s all about changing your own patterns in the relationship to create a better, more inviting environment that your partner wants to be part of, too.

Even if you believe that you and your partner may have fallen out of love, it’s okay—humans are designed that way. We grow, and we change, and we may not always love as deeply as we once did. But if your relationship is strong enough and you’re willing to rediscover that love without jumping ship, couples can fall back into love in a way that is even deeper than the love they shared before.

Couples often feed off each other, especially when negative sentiment override begins to eat away at the happiness within the relationship. An example of this, which you may have noticed in your own relationship, is that when a woman gets upset and feels that she cannot express herself to her husband, she will shut down and her energy will change towards her husband. Men are very sensitive towards changes in the level of engagement and energy that their spouse is contributing to the relationship. This change in energy can quickly change the entire dynamic of the relationship and if the underlying problems are not addressed the negative sentiment override will begin to take over the relationship. The adage of “Happy Wife, Happy Life” is very true. If you or your partner have shifted your energy towards the negative in the relationship, however, it is still possible to get back on track.

What makes Marriage work?

Marriages are based on creating and maintaining a deep friendship. Knowing your partner’s likes and dislikes, their quirks, their pet peeves. Knowing what their hopes and dreams are. Knowing their greatest fears. The main affective vectors, those positives and negatives, those are what affect the marriage most. In our program, we talk a lot about positive and negative sentiment overrides.

It boils down to this: Those who have a positive sentiment override? Those are the people who can deal with the negative that comes their way, because they focus on that positive.

Those in relational negative override? Everything that happens is viewed and interpreted in a negative light, no matter how positive the experience or news they receive.

Every couple has a “set point” on the vector and working to push towards positive sentiment override will ultimately create a stronger connection, a more enjoyable relationship and a stronger friendship that can pull the marriage through any turbulence it might hit along the way.

Myths about Marriage

1.    Personality problems and neurosis ruin marriages
Not true! Every single one of us has quirks—it’s how you deal with them that makes a marriage work.

2.    Common interests are the glue that hold a marriage together
Could be true… but it’s not common interests that hold you together, it’s how you do things together that really matters—even if it’s working out in the yard or cooking dinner at home

3.     Reciprocity is the key to success
Absolutely not! Reciprocity involves tit for tat and if your marriage follows this method, you’re keeping tabs on who does what for whom—and that is one of the most TOXIC stressors you can place on a relationship

4.     Address conflict directly or you’ll ruin your marriage
Sometimes you need to tiptoe around conflict. Sometimes you need to confront it head on. But what is reallyimportant is understanding how you both deal with conflict and finding a way to satisfy bothpartners as you’re working to hash things out.

5.     Affairs are the number one cause for divorce
This is just not true. Affairs happen because there is an underlying problem in the relationship that pushes a partner towards someone else. An affair is a symptom of a larger problem that has gone unaddressed for too long. Not addressing the underlying problem is like skipping the diagnosis and just treating the obvious symptom.

6.     Men are not biologically built for marriage
This one is utter nonsense. Relationships are complex, and they are dependent on the individual, not the gender.

7.    That old cliché that men are from Mars and women from Venus
Gender differences do not break a marriage. It can be those same differences that keep strong marriages together. 70% of both men and women report that friendship is the key to a satisfying relationship and that bond of friendship effects each and every layer of a marriage, from sex to romance to long-lasting passion

Spinning the 5 key plates

Keeping positive sentiment alive can be complicated when life continues to affect your relationship balance.

Within the full Spark Marriage Relationship Program, you learn to spin what we call the Five Key Plates. These plates make up the main aspects of life and love that all marriages must effectively balance if partners are committed to making it work. Within this Private Relationship Retreat, we introduce you to those concepts so you are able to navigate your relationship better.

Another myth? Happily married couples do not have less conflict or tension. They’re just able to recognize the conflict and repair is before it gets out of hand, keeping that positive sentiment override going strong even when things get messy.

It’s not about changing each other’s minds. That is ultimately an effort in futility. The good news in all of this is that marriage is not about resolving marital conflict, it’s about moving to compromise, it’s about keeping the plates spinning, and it’s about finding new ways to love each other despite disagreements you have along the way.

Avoid the Relationship Rift

Fixing a marriage is about strengthening each of the 5 C’s

Fixing a marriage is about strengthening each of the 5 C’s in your relationship:

• Contemplate
• Comprehend
• Commit
• Communicate
• Court

While there can be a breakdown in the 5 C’s at any point in a marriage, the most common areas where problems arise are the Disillusionment Stage, the Disturbance Stage and the Conflict Stage, all of which can push a couple closer to crossing over into what we call the “Relationship Rift”.

The Marriage Test measures your strengths and weaknesses as a couple and determines whether your relationship is bordering on, or has crossed into, the Relationship Rift.

The most common Relationship Rift for couples who have been married or together for some time is the Conflict Stage, which may require extra effort for both partners to overcome

Re-ignition

A private relationship retreat provides you with the ideal opportunity to re-ignite your relationship away from the stresses, strains and commitments of every day life.

The health benefits of a holiday are well documented and include;

• Reduces stress
• Increases creativity
• Boosts emotional stability
• Makes confidence soar
• Improves your intelligence
• Improves low moods
• Fights colds and infections

Thus providing you and your partner with the perfect environment to move past, over, or through any existing blockage, hurdle or challenge that you might face.

The result is a greatly deepened relationship.

Growth

During this unique retreat you and your partner will learn to:

• Heal past issues and tackle core relationship problems
• Heal the Relationship Rift by understanding and strengthening the 5 C’s
• Understand your primary love language and your partner’s love language
• Understand how to get the love you deserve from your partner
• Understand how to give the love your partner deserves from you
• How to raise complaints
• How to receive complaints
• Understand your primary values and that of your partner
• Unearth the values and life purpose you share
• Learn some practical skills which form part of a toolbox for handling issues moving forward

Technology

We use a range of tools, techniques and coaching technology to achieve the result. Those used do depend on the participants, their unique situation, and the goal desired. They include:-

The primary technology used is Perturbation Therapy™. Others used depend on the participants, their unique situation, and the goal desired they might include;

• Clinical Hypnotherapy
• Non-Violent communication techniques
• Gottmann Marriage processing steps
• Imago marriage therapy processing
• Time-line therapy
• Visualisation
• Journey Processing
• Suggestive Intervention
• Mindfulness
• Re-scriptiong & Re-imagining