{"id":216,"date":"2018-05-02T06:41:02","date_gmt":"2018-05-02T06:41:02","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/nakedmarriageonline.com\/?p=149"},"modified":"2024-08-29T02:45:25","modified_gmt":"2024-08-29T06:45:25","slug":"fight-right","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/nakedmarriageonline.com\/2018\/05\/02\/fight-right\/","title":{"rendered":"Do you know how to fight right in your relationship?"},"content":{"rendered":"

Learn\u00a0how to fight the right way and avoid conflict with a new partner<\/strong><\/h2>\n

Guess what?<\/strong>\u00a0International Pillow Fight Day takes place this month (yes, there really is a day for everything, folks!).<\/p>\n

And, while it might sound daft, there\u2019s nothing like a light hearted playfight with your other half to let off steam, behave like big kids and descend into giggles together, whether that\u2019s fighting with pillows, chasing each other with dishcloths or racing each other down the street.<\/p>\n

In fact, in the early stages of a relationship, when the physical stuff is just getting going and you\u2019re giddy and nervous around each other\u2019s bodies, something as silly and harmless as a pillow fight often helps channel sexual tension and build intimacy.<\/p>\n

Testing each other\u2026<\/h3>\n

But while teasing each other and laughing about it will bring you closer together, not all fighting is good for your budding relationship. In fact, if you don\u2019t figure out how to fight right early on, things can turn toxic.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s partly because, as research by psychoanalyst Otto Kernberg suggests<\/a>, the neurobiological and psychological processes we go through when we experience love are worryingly close to those that spur on aggression.<\/p>\n

To have a healthy relationship, you must learn to navigate between the two – to work out when your combative impulses are valid, and when they\u2019re caused by fear or the strain of becoming emotionally vulnerable around someone new.<\/p>\n

Because it\u2019s okay to feel flushes of attraction, neediness, jealousy, possessiveness or the fear that someone could wound us \u2013 all of which very often come with falling in love.<\/p>\n

But if you don\u2019t handle these feelings properly, interrogating them fully and recognising when you\u2019re repeating self-destructive behaviour from past relationship battles, you could wind up hurting your new love and yourself.<\/p>\n

How not<\/em>\u00a0to fight<\/h3>\n

Ever found yourself in this situation? You\u2019re on a date, things are going well, when you start talking about something a little more serious, or personal, maybe even political. Your date says something you don\u2019t agree with and you question it, or express a different opinion. Immediately the atmosphere sours. They get angry or sink into a sulk. You struggle to pull the conversation back. Everything seems ruined<\/i>.<\/p>\n

Or maybe you\u2019ve been chatting away quite comfortably \u2013 perhaps about something you\u2019re a little raw about \u2013 and they say something insensitive or challenge you, out of the blue. You feel hurt, under attack, or insulted. Perhaps YOU get angry or upset. Perhaps YOU sulk.<\/p>\n

The other person is bewildered. They don\u2019t know what they\u2019ve done. But you\u2019re seething. Clearly, this wasn\u2019t meant to be, right?<\/p>\n

Take a deep breath<\/h3>\n

In either these situations, can you be sure either of you really<\/i> did or said anything wrong?<\/p>\n

Or did one of you just express yourself the wrong way?<\/p>\n

Equally likely, is one of you still hurting, still stuck in the rut of your old relationship \u2013 ready to fly off the handle at a perceived slight because you can\u2019t help but hear their words in your ex\u2019s voice?<\/p>\n

No one ever leaves a relationship unscathed. It takes work to heal and, until you have, you carry the scars. Perhaps you\u2019ve ignored them so long you can\u2019t even see or feel them anymore, but as soon as someone else says something that reminds you of the wound – even by accident \u2013 you can\u2019t help picking at the scabs.<\/p>\n

And suddenly, there you are, bleeding all over again. And you blame them for making the pain rush to the surface, even if they have no idea what they\u2019ve done<\/p>\n

Listen to your feelings \u2013 <\/b><\/h3>\n

But listen to where they\u2019re coming from, too<\/h4>\n

Okay, you feel stung. Perhaps the other person really did<\/i> step out of line, but perhaps they touched a nerve without meaning to.<\/p>\n

Step away for a breather. Say you need to pop to the bathroom. Take a moment to pinpoint exactly what they said that hurt you. Ask yourself, reasonably, whether they could have known that it would have this effect.<\/p>\n

Then, if you still feel unsettled, go back and calmly explain, rationally and without blame, what upset you and why.<\/p>\n

Be gentle with each other<\/h3>\n

Its fine to explain things from your point of view, or to use personal anecdotes, to explain why you think the way you do. But don\u2019t launch a personal attack on the other person\u2019s character, personality, anxieties or perceived weaknesses to score a few points.<\/p>\n

When you\u2019re having a conversation about something like, say, politics, it\u2019s essential to clarify that you aren\u2019t criticizing the other person, you\u2019re discussing something separate to both of you and that you care about understanding their point of view, even if you don\u2019t agree with it.<\/p>\n

Challenging someone\u2019s behaviour<\/h3>\n

Even if you ARE challenging someone\u2019s behaviour, stay on track. Emphasize that you are uncomfortable with a certain thing they did or said, and explain why. Don\u2019t exaggerate or emotionally blackmail them, just calmly state your point of view. If they respect you, they should hear you and be willing to talk it through.<\/p>\n

And if you can see someone getting upset and emotional, ask yourself whether you need to win this battle, right now, and whether you really want to injure them and potentially destroy your relationship in the process. What do you gain by tearing them to shreds?<\/p>\n

Yes, this could be an issue that\u2019s so important to you that you need to come back to the conversation another time. If so, wait until you\u2019re both calm.<\/p>\n

But perhaps you don\u2019t<\/i> need to push them so hard. Perhaps there\u2019s a reason this subject has such a profound effect on them – one that you need to tease out in time, as trust develops.<\/p>\n

Avoid escalation \u2013 and stay-on-track<\/h3>\n

As relationship counsellor Zach Brittle says:<\/a><\/p>\n

Conflict discussion can go one of two directions. Generally when the discussion escalates, it ends badly and neither partner has gained any ground. When the conversation de-escalates, it creates room for dialogue. In order to prevent escalation, don\u2019t find fault, don\u2019t bring up the past and don\u2019t keep going once the conversation is off the rails. Master couples have an ability to repair a conflict discussion early and often in order to keep it from escalating and becoming unproductive.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

In other words, when an argument starts to get nasty, don\u2019t fuel the fire. Recognise that, when thing get heated, it no longer matters who is wrong or right, because once you\u2019re both angry, all you\u2019ll care about is standing your ground.<\/p>\n

Instead, take steps to diffuse it. Try to find the parts of what they\u2019re saying that you DO agree with, and build from there, explaining where you feel slightly differently, and why.<\/p>\n

And whatever you do, don\u2019t let the argument shift into being about something else. If they try to move to goalposts, say something like: \u201cOk, I\u2019m happy to talk about that too, but right now can we just stay on this one topic,\u201d or even: \u201cI\u2019m not sure what we\u2019re arguing about anymore. Shall we come back to this another time when we\u2019re less het up?\u201d<\/p>\n

Be prepared to say sorry<\/h3>\n

Never underestimate the power of an apology.<\/p>\n

If you know you said things that were harsh and cruel, you became aggressive, the other person was visibly upset, or there was anything about the way you behaved that now, in the cold light of day, seems unnecessary: SAY SORRY.<\/p>\n

You don\u2019t have to tell them they were right. You don\u2019t have to back down from your stance or opinion. But DO apologise for the way you made them feel.<\/p>\n

Be kind when you\u2019re not fighting<\/h3>\n

Usually when disagreements explode into full-blown war, it\u2019s because one or both of you already resentments or relationship anxieties bubbling away.<\/p>\n

Going out of your way to show your partner that you see them, hear them, and support them during \u201cpeacetime\u201d helps make them feel safer emotionally.<\/p>\n

That means listening \u2013 really<\/i> listening \u2013 to each other, celebrating each other\u2019s successes, remembering to drop them a note or give them a call to check in when you know they\u2019re worried, in need of a pep talk or outlet (for instance, before and after an interview, exam, presentation or dreaded doctor\u2019s appointment). It also means simple, thoughtful things, like bringing them a cup of tea in the morning or running them a bath when they\u2019re exhausted.<\/p>\n

The point is, the more \u201ccared for\u201d someone feels, the less likely they are to let the claws ping out the second they feel threatened by a disagreement.<\/p>\n

Oh, and when you start to annoy each other\u2026 maybe just have a pillow fight to ease the tension instead.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Did you find this article helpful?<\/strong> <\/i><\/p>\n

I\u2019d love to hear your thoughts. Please share in the comments section below.<\/i><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Learn\u00a0how to fight the right way and avoid conflict with a new partner Guess what?\u00a0International Pillow Fight Day takes place this month (yes, there really is a day for everything, folks!). And, while it might sound daft, there\u2019s nothing like a light hearted playfight with your other half to let off steam, behave like big […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":151,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[9],"tags":[20,21],"acf":[],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/nakedmarriageonline.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/216"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/nakedmarriageonline.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/nakedmarriageonline.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nakedmarriageonline.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nakedmarriageonline.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=216"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/nakedmarriageonline.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/216\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":17624,"href":"https:\/\/nakedmarriageonline.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/216\/revisions\/17624"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nakedmarriageonline.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/151"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/nakedmarriageonline.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=216"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nakedmarriageonline.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=216"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nakedmarriageonline.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=216"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}