{"id":215,"date":"2018-05-02T05:46:34","date_gmt":"2018-05-02T05:46:34","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/nakedmarriageonline.com\/?p=142"},"modified":"2024-08-01T06:33:31","modified_gmt":"2024-08-01T10:33:31","slug":"cling-on-or-let-go-pt3","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/nakedmarriageonline.com\/2018\/05\/02\/cling-on-or-let-go-pt3\/","title":{"rendered":"Cling On \u2013 or let go? Pt3"},"content":{"rendered":"
Okay, we\u2019ve now talked about how your relationship dynamic affects your basic needs to feel safe and secure Part One<\/a>\u00a0and your psychological need to feel loved and valued Part Two<\/a>. But what about the top of the pyramid: self-fulfilment<\/i>?<\/p>\n <\/p>\n In the grand scheme of things, at least for people from most walks of life, the chance to feel \u2018fulfilled\u2019 is a pretty new idea. In the past, a lot of couples would largely have settled for security, fidelity and companionship.<\/p>\n But in the last 50 years or so, all that has gone out of the window. It\u2019s just not enough anymore. We all want and expect to feel fulfilled<\/i>: in our jobs, in our relationships, in our lives as a whole. We want to reach our full potential and to feel as if we\u2019re achieving something genuinely meaningful.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Here\u2019s the thing, though. Self-actualisation is hard<\/i>.<\/b><\/p>\n It takes a lot of work to be the best you can be. A hell of a lot of work. Work that only you can do, by yourself.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n It takes a lot of work to be the best you can be. A hell of a lot of work. Work that only you can do by yourself. And while it\u2019s totally reasonable that you\u2019d want your partner to be supportive, encouraging and willing to help you along the way, expecting too much from them can destroy a relationship.<\/p>\n Eli Finkel, the American psychologist, puts it pretty well<\/a> when he says that modern couples increasingly expect each other to guide them their journey and \u201cgrow as individuals.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cPeople are looking to their spouses to help them discover who they are, and to achieve the best version of themselves,\u201d he says. \u201cYou are really hoping that your partner can help you on a voyage of discovery and personal growth, but your partner cannot do that unless he or she really knows who you are, and really understands your core essence. That requires much greater investment of time and psychological resources.”<\/p>\n Being someone\u2019s on-call Jiminy Cricket is a full-time job, and no one has the boundless time, energy and insight to guide their partner through every step of the way.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n In other words, being someone\u2019s on-call Jiminy Cricket is a full-time job, and no one has the boundless time, energy and insight to guide their partner through every step of the way. Besides, that level of emotional investment would mean neglecting your own goals, dreams and journey towards being the best you can be.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Does that mean that you should ruthlessly pursue your own path and leave your partner to their own devices? Of course not.<\/p>\n Really<\/i> loving someone often means being willing to drop everything<\/a> when they genuinely need your help, or sacrificing some of your own pleasures\/temporarily overlooking your own needs if it means they\u2019ll achieve something that\u2019s really important to them.<\/p>\n But that doesn\u2019t mean that they have the right to demand that they take priority all the time. Nor should you feel that your purpose is to elevate their needs above your own \u2013 that your role is to make sure they succeed at the expense of your own ambitions.<\/p>\n Your partner can help you stay on the right path, but they can\u2019t carve it out or walk it for you.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n Only you<\/i> are in a position to do the things that will fulfil your potential. Before you ask anyone else to give you an extra push, you need to have the self-motivation, self-belief and the right attitude to push yourself \u2013 and you need an idea of what it is you want and how you\u2019re going to achieve it. Your partner can help you stay on the right path, but they can\u2019t carve it out or walk it for you.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Trying to put all of that onto your other half is suffocating, and it\u2019s unfair. By all means, ask and expect them to be in your corner, and don\u2019t accept someone deliberately blocking the way of things that really matter to you. But don\u2019t expect them to be your life coach \u2013 or your doormat.<\/p>\n Really listening to each other, giving encouragement, pep talks and constructive criticism, bouncing ideas around and suggesting solutions to problems, reassuring each other when you\u2019re having a crisis of confidence, making sure you\u2019re sharing the burden of day-to-day finances, household chores, childcare\u2026 all of these things help to create an environment that will facilitate fulfilling your potential.<\/p>\n Equally, giving each other space to pursue the things they want to succeed in, and trying not to become jealous or resentful when they (genuinely) need to put in the extra hours to make it a success, is vital.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n One of the biggest indicators of whether a relationship will succeed, after all, is how they respond to each other\u2019s positive news.<\/p>\nSelf-fulfilment<\/h2>\n
Self-actualisation<\/h3>\n
Ruthlessly pursue your own path<\/h3>\n
Ask and expect<\/h3>\n
How does your partner respond<\/h3>\n