{"id":213,"date":"2018-05-02T05:30:27","date_gmt":"2018-05-02T05:30:27","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/nakedmarriageonline.com\/?p=134"},"modified":"2024-08-29T02:49:12","modified_gmt":"2024-08-29T06:49:12","slug":"cling-on-or-let-go-pt1","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/nakedmarriageonline.com\/2018\/05\/02\/cling-on-or-let-go-pt1\/","title":{"rendered":"Cling on – or let go? Pt1"},"content":{"rendered":"
They take no notice of me. They don\u2019t support me or show any interest in my job, or my passions, or my interests. They don\u2019t listen. They seem bored when we\u2019re together. I don\u2019t feel they\u2019re proud to be with me. They don\u2019t call or text to see how I\u2019m doing. They\u2019re always too busy to talk. I feel I\u2019m last on their list of priorities. It\u2019s like we\u2019re not even a couple.<\/em><\/p>\n I feel suffocated. They won\u2019t let me breathe<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n I feel suffocated. They won\u2019t let me breathe. They\u2019re jealous. They want to know where I am all the time. They hate me doing anything that doesn\u2019t involve them. They call constantly while I\u2019m out with friends. They want to know exactly when I\u2019m going to be home. If I have to work late, they sulk about it. They want to do everything together, all the time.<\/em><\/p>\n On the face of it, these two sets of problems sound like polar opposites, right?<\/strong><\/p>\n You might have even heard the same person say these things about two different relationships. Or about the same relationship at different times.<\/p>\n At the deepest level, all of us need to feel both free and autonomous, and safe, needed and claimed.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n Perhaps you thought they were being fickle – that they don\u2019t know what they want. Perhaps you heard yourself saying something like: But the thing is, at the deepest level, all of us need to feel both free and autonomous, and safe, needed and claimed.<\/p>\n These things are hard to reconcile. But if you don\u2019t strike the right balance, or understand how these needs fit together you will drive the other person away.<\/p>\n A great way of understanding this is through Maslow\u2019s Hierarchy of Needs<\/a><\/strong>.<\/p>\n \n Maslow pictured our physical and psychological needs building on each other like a pyramid. You need each type of need to be met before you can worry about the ones at the next level:<\/p>\n <\/p>\n At the bottom of the pyramid you have the survival stuff. You can\u2019t focus on anything else when you\u2019re scare about going hungry, just as you can\u2019t function properly if you\u2019re sleep deprived. If you\u2019re reading this, you\u2019re probably fortunate enough to have access to resources to tackle these fundamental needs. But to get by, even at the most basic level, we also need to feel safe and secure.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Safety and security are more complicated than they seem at first glance.<\/p>\n You might not be living in a warzone, but if you\u2019re afraid of or intimidated by your partner, you will obviously not feel safe. You might not be in a physically abusive relationship, but if your partner cuts off your financial access, or makes it clear that they will kick you out \/ threaten your home life if they don\u2019t get your own way, you can\u2019t possibly feel secure.<\/p>\n What\u2019s more, people often try to persuade their partners, outsiders and even ourselves that what we are doing is for their<\/i> benefit, even when our motivations are actually selfish. When it comes to safety and security, these are easily translated for emotional blackmail.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n This means that there can be a very<\/i> fine line between one person\u2019s idea of being made to feel \u201csafe and secure\u201d and one person\u2019s idea of feeling precisely the opposite.<\/p>\n These distinctions can be subtle. Sometimes only you and your partner really understand each other\u2019s motivations. Sometimes only you know if you\u2019re really doing something to make the other person feel safe, or to make sure they know you\u2019re in control.<\/p>\n Take my friends Tia and Rob (not their real names).<\/p>\n From the outside, they\u2019re adorable. Tia had a rough time growing up, she\u2019s teeny-tiny, and she\u2019s spent much of her life feeling vulnerable. She desperately needed to be in a relationship that would make her feel safe.<\/p>\n When you see her with Rob, he always has a protective arm around her. He boasts on Facebook about running across town in a thunderstorm to pick her up when she was in a crisis. Her friends joke that they wish their boyfriends sent so many messages saying \u201cI love you\u201d throughout the day. Rob is always looking after Tia, doing little things make her feel safe.<\/p>\n Or so I thought.<\/em><\/p>\n What matters is that both of you have your basic needs met. Not that one of you gets to take the high ground. Not that you feel obliged to thank someone for getting to play the hero. That you actually feel safe and secure.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n Until I found her crying in the bathroom of a bar and she admitted she was exhausted and wanted to get a cab home, but Rob controls the money and wouldn\u2019t let her leave alone because it was \u2018unsafe\u2019 \u2013 and he wanted to stay out all night. Until she told me that, when they fight, Rob reminds her he\u2019s the only thing keeping her from the streets. That she feels trapped and depressed, but she can\u2019t really<\/i> complain, because he\u2019s just like this because he loves her, right? That she should be grateful that he wants<\/i> her to feel safe and secure, even if it\u2019s having the opposite effect.<\/i><\/p>\n Uh-uh. Nope.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n What matters is that both of you have your basic needs met.<\/p>\n Not that one of you gets to take the high ground. Not that you feel obliged to thank someone for getting to play the hero. That you actually<\/i> feel safe and secure.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n The key is honest communication. <\/i>It\u2019s listening<\/i> to each other.<\/p>\n Different people need different things in order to feel safe. If you want your relationship to work, you must be willing to provide those things, not the things that suit you.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n Different people need different things in order to feel safe. If you want your relationship to work, you must be willing to provide those<\/i> things, not the things that suit you.<\/p>\n If your partner\u2019s actions seem possessive rather than protective, explain this to them. If you feel harassed because they keep messaging you while you\u2019re out, set boundaries. If you feel their aggression is targeted at you instead of whatever might hurt you, or that their \u201cconcern\u201d makes you worried, stressed or dreading the next fight, you need to make this clear.<\/p>\n And If your partner says this to you, don\u2019t flip out and tell them they\u2019re ungrateful. That you only care about their safety. That you don\u2019t know what you\u2019re supposed to do<\/i>. After all, if you claim you\u2019re doing something for their benefit and it turns out not to, why keep foisting it on them? Listen to what they actually need from you \u2013 and what they don\u2019t.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Equally, if you feel your partner is always out of reach when you need them, or you genuinely feel unsafe and unsecure because of their behaviour, tell them. It\u2019s fair to expect someone whose reckless, dangerous or destructive behaviour undermines your peace of mind to tone it down.<\/p>\n Just make sure you\u2019re being honest about which needs are actually being unfulfilled. Don\u2019t claim, for example, that being alone in the house makes you feel unsafe if really you just feel bored or neglected. These are valid feelings too, but it\u2019s a different type of problem, as we\u2019ll discuss in Part 2<\/a>.<\/p>\n Our basic needs for safety and security are fundamental to everything else in our lives. No matter what else is great between you, if your partner\u2019s behaviour consistently makes you feel less safe and secure, or if they refuse to do simple things that that would help you fulfil this need, your relationship will turn toxic fast.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n We\u2019ll look at the psychological needs behind clinging on and letting go.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" They take no notice of me. They don\u2019t support me or show any interest in my job, or my passions, or my interests. They don\u2019t listen. They seem bored when we\u2019re together. I don\u2019t feel they\u2019re proud to be with me. They don\u2019t call or text to see how I\u2019m doing. They\u2019re always too busy […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[9],"tags":[14,15,16,17],"acf":[],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/nakedmarriageonline.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/213"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/nakedmarriageonline.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/nakedmarriageonline.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nakedmarriageonline.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nakedmarriageonline.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=213"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/nakedmarriageonline.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/213\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":17683,"href":"https:\/\/nakedmarriageonline.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/213\/revisions\/17683"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/nakedmarriageonline.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=213"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nakedmarriageonline.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=213"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nakedmarriageonline.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=213"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
\n\u201cWhat are you complaining about? I wish my girlfriend was that laidback!\u201d
\nOr:
\n\u201cCount yourself lucky. At least he cares enough to get jealous!\u201d<\/p>\nLet\u2019s start with the basics.<\/h3>\n
Safety and security are complicated<\/h3>\n
Fine line<\/h3>\n
What matters<\/h3>\n
The key<\/h3>\n
Out of reach<\/h3>\n
Cling on to marriage or let it go – Part 2 is here<\/a><\/h3>\n