Who Cheats, And Why?

New article by Jennifer Lorusso reveals the adultery rates by Country, and suggests why!

Join me, as we take a deeper look into her original article…

Sadly the data in the article in the original piece mostly relates to the behaviour of women, but absolutely fascinating all the same.

Here’s a few short, sharp sound-bites;

• Having more than one marital partner is LEGAL in 58 of the 200 Countries reviewed
• 9 out of the top 10 Countries for Cheating are in Europe
• 20% of men admit to cheating (USA)
• 13% of women admit to cheating (USA)
• The average women cheats in her mid-thirties
• Adultery is punishable by Prison in four USA states
• Nearly 50% of Danes admit to having an affair

We want it all!

We want it all – and for many (according to the data at least) that includes having multiple sexual partners.

The article explains that being faithful is fundamentally a moral issue.

The same logic, or moral codes that makes a person cheat, or stick to the rules during a board-game or sport, equally apply to relationships. So the person that cheats at the pub-quiz, is more likely to cheat in their relationship – fascinating. And alarming. And personally a little painful…

This really resonates with me, one ex in particular would cheat a lot in board games particularly in social environments when playing with others. She also later confessed to cheating on me twice in the relationship.

Which brings to me another thought…

You only cheat if you don’t think you are going to win

If you knew you were going to win the game, you wouldn’t need to cheat right? I think many would only consider ‘cheating’ at a board game, sport etc. if they were not confident of winning otherwise.

If we move the same logic into relationships, then many are only cheating because they are not confident of getting what they want ‘back-at-home’.

This then is the core issue is it not.

The fact that many of us (I have to include myself in this) find it hard to express any sexual dissatisfaction in our relationships is the root cause of much of the ‘cheating’ phenomenon.

Ultimately what we are saying here is it’s simply much easier to cheat with another, than to address the issue in the relationship. That sad really, but very believable.

Online dating doesn’t create cheats?

The article implies that whilst online dating sites have made ‘cheating’ easier, people were going to cheat anyway… Not sure I agree with that. 

I would definitely agree that there needs to be some intention first, some ‘I wonder if’ thought must have occurred.

Those ‘thoughts’ are normal. Humans are curious beings by nature, it’s our tendency to think and imagine alternative scenarios that drives many entertainment industries, such as music, books, and film that provide alternative world’s for us to imagine being within.

We are the most imaginative, and creative thinkers of any species on the planet – it’s a big part of who we are.

What dating sites do a great job of is making that next step so ‘easy’ to do. You can sign up to most and ‘take-a-peak’ for free.

To most people’s minds doing so does not qualify as ‘cheating’ per sa, so it’s largely a morally acceptable activity (even if they do keep quiet about it). Certainly much less risky, or overt than chatting someone-up at a bar or night-club (as we use to do in the good old days).

So it’s very easy to have the ‘why not, I’m not doing any harm, I’ll just take a peak’ internal conversation to justify our curiosity, and to make that initial ‘step’. Doing so online is highly convenient, costs little or nothing to do, and can largely be done secretly (at least initially if they do not a suspecting partner).

This is however just a first step on a slippery slope. The next step, is just uploading a photo, or tapping on ‘Like’ on a couple of hot looking guys/girls which is so very easy to do, and quickly escalates the situation.

With every step one moves a little further away from their current partner, and a little closer to a potential future affair.

One small step after another, and soon they find themselves, often almost by surprise flirting with others online. Still at this stage possibly considering themselves to be remaining faithful.

However when you’ve walked that far down a path, it can be difficult to turn back! Sometime you just want to see the view from the end of the path, to see if the journey was worth while.

The net result is, I personally believe that the ease of online dating has resulted in much more ‘cheating’ taking place.

What is cheating anyway?

I know from experience that we have very different interpretations of what constitutes ‘cheating’ around the world. Changing significantly between cultures, Countries, and religions significantly.

I have had many conversations with American women in particular who feel their partners have cheated on them because they found out their husband had viewed porn during their relationship. While most from Europe (in my experience) might consider that to be ‘normal’ expected behaviour even inside a healthy, sexy, loving relationship.

There is no right version, we all have our different moral codes. 

One item this article doesn’t tackle which I think is really important, particularly across nationality, or religious boundaries to get an implicit agreement of where that line is.

This is rarely done, and very easy to get your relationship in trouble further down the road.

Have you and your partner agreed where the lines are?

Are you sure? If I were to ask you and your partner to separately describe where your relationship boundaries are would you both explain the exact same dividing line?

How long before a married women cheats?

I was pretty surprised by this. Even though I shouldn’t be. Based on the average of the five nations listed in the article, the average women cheats after 4.66 years of marriage! Alarm bells anyone?

Unfortunately the article is unable to reveal similar statistics for men. Perhaps the seven year itch, is now just five years.

No one cheats if all their needs are being met

It’s true. If all of a person’s needs are being met, they simply won’t cheat. Or at least, that’s how the theory goes. What though if that ‘need’, or at least desire includes having sex with multiple partners as the data suggests.

These two elements may seem opposing, but that’s only true in a traditional monogamous relationship.

More and more people are embracing polygamy, where one can have multiple partners / marriages. And the article touches on this, and goes on to explain that in Nepal for example it is common for a women to have two husbands.

It’s certainly true that the traditional ‘marriage’ vows, and agreements are being re-interpreted more than ever before.

For myself I felt uncomfortable saying ‘to death do us part’. I couldn’t say that truthfully, for me I would not wish to be in a damaging harmful relationship just because I had made some agreement 20 years previously. And I personally don’t think any should do so. So I adjusted the vows to suit my own particular sincere commitments.

What’s critical here, is that both parties have their own agreement. It matters very little if that fit’s into previously written ideals of what a marriage should be. What matters is what works for you.

These just my own personal thoughts, what do you think?

You can read the original article yourself >>> here.